your parents love me but you hate me
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
