you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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