You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
