I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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