Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm like, not good at living.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
