I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize