Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
