He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
