life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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