yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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