he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Who died my cat blue again?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
