After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The uberlube is also flammable
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
