Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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