I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
