Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
