we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
