hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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