woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
