These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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