Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
