he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
