god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Let's get the cat blown out
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
