pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
