I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
