okay pat passed out under dana's car
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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