The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
