The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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