Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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