Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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