Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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