You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
