Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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