Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
