Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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