I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
