it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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