I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize