Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
