After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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