i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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