also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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