your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
