his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
