forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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