DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
