Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
