Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize