The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
