I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
