So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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