I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
