I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
be right there i have to get my cape
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
we should paint friendship bongs
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