the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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