She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I think I sprained my soul last night
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
