Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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