So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
