Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
