I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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