I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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