I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
